The Lung Brothers
Hanging out at the extreme end of the long tail ...
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
So let me get this straight - in the US, suspected terrorists are not allowed to fly on commercial planes but are allowed to purchase assault rifles over the counter. What a wonderful and sensible application of the law. In fact, I reckon that the upper and lower houses should implement a whole series of laws in the same spirit as this jewel of judicial rationale:
May I take the liberty to suggest a few?
Convicted pedophiles should not under any circumstances be allowed to come within one hundred yards of public schools BUT they should not be prevented from becoming foster parents.
Arsonists should not under any circumstances be allowed to light barbecues in their own back yards BUT should not be prevented from purchasing flamethrowers as long as they don’t cross state lines with them.
Voyeurs should not under any circumstances be allowed into public swimming pools BUT they should not be prevented from working for the NSA or the TWA.
People who have been prosecuted for fiscal fraud or misappropriation of funds should not be allowed to work in the finance departments of any corporate entity BUT should not be prevented from working on the financing of electoral campaigns.
Men accused of assault or domestic violence should receive barring orders from their wives and not be allowed to associate with any vulnerable members of society or potential victims BUT should not be prevented from joining the Minutemen.
Inspectors working for the Securities and Exchange Commission should not under any circumstances receive payment from any banking or trading firm that they are investigating BUT should not be prevented from getting hired by that same firm immediately after said investigation has been concluded.
..you know, it’s quite depressing when you start out writing something as a piece of satire and then realize that most of it is actually true.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
As a mid-life crisis project, I’ve decided to get with the young crowd and invent some new hip techno-terms to be easily used in their everyday environment. Here are a few ideas:
TEXTICLE: a short text message.
WEBOLA: Something that has gone seriously fucking viral.
NECROTICON: An emoji that you send to people at funerals to show them how sad-faced and sorry you are for their loss.
DABBLET: A small, slim, touch-screen computer that you just play around with but never actually learn how to use properly.
BIOPSELFIE: Taking a photograph of yourself performing surgery and posing it online.
TENDING: Almost trending…but not quite there yet.
FEXTING: Exchanging written messages with a profane Irishman.
PHISH MOB: A semi-spontaneous gathering of Nigerian conmen in a random public place.
CROWDFORCING: Cyberbullying the general public into giving you their opinion.
ONANETIQUETTE: A code of cordial and decent behavior when using online porn.
SLOG: A blog that has become too much trouble to maintain. (Ehem!)
Monday, April 20, 2015
If You've Got a Worse Pun Today, I'd Like to Hear It.....
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Utterly Useless Ponderings.....
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Arizona: 9-Year Old Girl Accidentally Kills Her Shooting Instructor with an UZI.
I've discussed this issue in depth with my friends over the web and the feeling is that, since we're talking about the state of Arizona here and not Texas, it's quite unlikely that the 9-year old girl will be given the lethal injection.
Then Lung the Elder incisively pointed out that the girl isn't actually from the state of Arizona but was only there on a visit. In that case, she will probably be declared an 'unlawful combatant' and get sent to Guantánamo without a trial.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
I grew up in Ireland during the seventies and eighties, a turbulent and tragic time for the island when different factions on both sides of the political divide in the north were committing the most cruel and vicious acts of violence. Although the troubles barely affected us where we lived, there was rarely an evening when news of another shooting or another public bombing was not occupying our television screen.
I still remember the shame and anger I felt from the fact that the vast majority of these acts of brutality were committed by those who claimed allegiance to my national flag. Furthermore, any sort of political resolution seemed totally impossible and it looked like there would never be an end to it.
However, the recent events in the Middle East have given me thought about how the situation could have been made much worse and pushed beyond a point of no return.
….imagine if every time the provisional IRA or the INLA committed an atrocity, the British military had bombarded Dublin, Cork and Galway in retaliation.
….imagine if they had called it their right to legitimately defend their nation and that they were doing their very best to only target terrorists.
….imagine if those terrorist targets included hospitals, schools, family homes and kids playing football.
….imagine if they added insult to injury by claiming that these targets were human shields and complained that the terrorists should really be standing out in the open and wearing bright colors so they could be killed more easily.
….imagine if all those people in the south who had been vehemently opposed the terrorism in the north, were to have members of their families blown to pieces in their own homes.
….imagine if, instead of condemning these bombardments, the rest of the world condoned them and justified the right of the United Kingdom to defend itself.
….imagine how much all of that would work as an anti-British recruitment campaign and would have swollen the ranks of paramilitary organizations in the south.
…. and imagine how it would all have fed the vicious and never-ending cycle of violence.
We’d probably still be at it today.
Fortunately, although not perfect, our neighbors happened to be a relatively civilized lot. They also had a lot of recent experience in the painful act of letting go of (or not letting go of) historical colonies and knew that the only possible solutions to the Irish situation were (a) apartheid (b) genocide or (c) patience, arbitration and negotiation.
Had it been another century, they probably would have opted for (a) or (b) but because of all those damn twentieth-century meddlers like Ghandi and Martin Luther King and a rabble of bloody humanists in their own parliament, the Brits made a play for peace by consensus. It took years of multilateral bickering, trust building, multiple setbacks but thanks to the hard work of neutral negotiators and the courage of the Northern Irish voting public, a tenuous ceasefire was established. So far so good.
Although I suppose the Irish situation is not really comparable to Israel/Palestine. Both sides up in Belfast gained a lot from the ceasefire but Israel would get nothing from giving concessions to the Palestinians that it doesn’t have already. It’s happily continuing with its long-term "unofficial" plan to push the Arabs out of the West Bank, most of its enemies are stuck in an open-air prison and its economy is booming. The world’s apathy and the growth of the religious right at home mean that its military can do what it likes without consequences. So the Israelis have nothing to gain by a negotiated peace and the Palestinians have nothing to lose by continuing the war.
And so it goes.
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
Ideas to Get Rich, Volume 9, Chapter 3.
Lung the Elder came up with an absolutely genius idea for making a killing while we were quaffing beers and seeing the Algerian national team get tragically beaten by the Germans.
It’s an iPhone application that monitors the conversation while you’re chatting to a beautiful woman and whispers the right thing to say to her into your ear. And it will be called ….(drumroll)……………………..
……why the CyranoDeBergerAP of course!