The Lung Brothers

Hanging out at the extreme end of the long tail ...

Tuesday, November 10, 2015


As a mid-life crisis project, I’ve decided to get with the young crowd and invent some new hip techno-terms to be easily used in their everyday environment. Here are a few ideas:

TEXTICLE: a short text message.

WEBOLA: Something that has gone seriously fucking viral.

NECROTICON: An emoji that you send to people at funerals to show them how sad-faced and sorry you are for their loss.

DABBLET: A small, slim, touch-screen computer that you just play around with but never actually learn how to use properly.

BIOPSELFIE: Taking a photograph of yourself performing surgery and posing it online.

TENDING: Almost trending…but not quite there yet.

FEXTING: Exchanging written messages with a profane Irishman.

PHISH MOB: A semi-spontaneous gathering of Nigerian conmen in a random public place.

CROWDFORCING: Cyberbullying the general public into giving you their opinion.

ONANETIQUETTE: A code of cordial and decent behavior when using online porn.  

SLOG: A blog that has become too much trouble to maintain. (Ehem!)

Monday, April 20, 2015

If You've Got a Worse Pun Today, I'd Like to Hear It.....

Captain, we have a serious malfuntcion in the handycraft section on one of the lower decks. 


Make it sew, Mr. LaForge. 

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Utterly Useless Ponderings.....

Did you ever look at a photo of an open iron mine and think.......?

.....Christ I’d really go for a bit of chocolate cake right now. 

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Arizona: 9-Year Old Girl Accidentally Kills Her Shooting Instructor with an UZI.

I've discussed this issue in depth with my friends over the web and the feeling is that, since we're talking about the state of Arizona here and not Texas, it's quite unlikely that the 9-year old girl will be given the lethal injection. 

Then Lung the Elder incisively pointed out that the girl isn't actually from the state of Arizona but was only there on a visit. In that case, she will probably be declared an 'unlawful combatant' and get sent to Guantánamo without a trial. 

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Imagine if…….?

I grew up in Ireland during the seventies and eighties, a turbulent and tragic time for the island when different factions on both sides of the political divide in the north were committing the most cruel and vicious acts of violence. Although the troubles barely affected us where we lived, there was rarely an evening when news of another shooting or another public bombing was not occupying our television screen.
I still remember the shame and anger I felt from the fact that the vast majority of these acts of brutality were committed by those who claimed allegiance to my national flag. Furthermore, any sort of political resolution seemed totally impossible and it looked like there would never be an end to it.   

However, the recent events in the Middle East have given me thought about how the situation could have been made much worse and pushed beyond a point of no return.

….imagine if every time the provisional IRA or the INLA committed an atrocity, the British military had bombarded Dublin, Cork and Galway in retaliation.

….imagine if they had called it their right to legitimately defend their nation and that they were doing their very best to only target terrorists.  

….imagine if those terrorist targets included hospitals, schools, family homes and kids playing football.

….imagine if they added insult to injury by claiming that these targets were human shields and complained that the terrorists should really be standing out in the open and wearing bright colors so they could be killed more easily.

….imagine if all those people in the south who had been vehemently opposed the terrorism in the north, were to have members of their families blown to pieces in their own homes.

….imagine if, instead of condemning these bombardments, the rest of the world condoned them and justified the right of the United Kingdom to defend itself.

….imagine how much all of that would work as an anti-British recruitment campaign and would have swollen the ranks of paramilitary organizations in the south.

…. and imagine how it would all have fed the vicious and never-ending cycle of violence. 

We’d probably still be at it today.

Fortunately, although not perfect, our neighbors happened to be a relatively civilized lot. They also had a lot of recent experience in the painful act of letting go of (or not letting go of) historical colonies and knew that the only possible solutions to the Irish situation were (a) apartheid (b) genocide or (c) patience, arbitration and negotiation.  

Had it been another century, they probably would have opted for (a) or (b) but because of all those damn twentieth-century meddlers like Ghandi and Martin Luther King and a rabble of bloody humanists in their own parliament, the Brits made a play for peace by consensus. It took years of multilateral bickering, trust building, multiple setbacks but thanks to the hard work of neutral negotiators and the courage of the Northern Irish voting public, a tenuous ceasefire was established. So far so good.     

Although I suppose the Irish situation is not really comparable to Israel/Palestine. Both sides up in Belfast gained a lot from the ceasefire but Israel would get nothing from giving concessions to the Palestinians that it doesn’t have already. It’s happily continuing with its long-term "unofficial" plan to push the Arabs out of the West Bank, most of its enemies are stuck in an open-air prison and its economy is booming. The world’s apathy and the growth of the religious right at home mean that its military can do what it likes without consequences. So the Israelis have nothing to gain by a negotiated peace and the Palestinians have nothing to lose by continuing the war.

And so it goes.

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

Ideas to Get Rich, Volume 9, Chapter 3.

Lung the Elder came up with an absolutely genius idea for making a killing while we were quaffing beers and seeing the Algerian national team get tragically beaten by the Germans.

It’s an iPhone application that monitors the conversation while you’re chatting to a beautiful woman and whispers the right thing to say to her into your ear. And it will be called ….(drumroll)……………………..

……why the CyranoDeBergerAP of course!  

Wednesday, June 11, 2014


So it turns out that the little silicone thing you pop into a baby’s or a toddler’s mouth to keep them calm has three different names according to your geographical location. Curiously these words actually might say a lot about their culture of origin:

Let’s face it - this is a name for a handgun. You can just imagine Clint Eastwood standing over a two-year old’s cot and saying “OK kid, I’m givin’ you five seconds to quit bawlin’, otherwise I’m gonna stick this here pacifier into your mouth, pull back the hammer and….”.  Maybe they should call the baby’s squeezy toy the “Subduer”.

This word could only have been created in the Victorian age when the unseemliness of a wailing brat would have been totally incomprehensible to a respectably repressed Pater and Mater. They probably thought that it was due to some sort of mental retardation. Out for a stroll in the park with their perambulator, they must have been completely mortified when little Edmund began his wailing. “Oh for God’s sake Winifred, why the does child have to make such an infernal racket in civilized company? He’s obviously backward. Why don’t you stick something into the little cretin’s mouth to shut him up and keep it there until we ship him off to boarding school?”  Thus the dummy was born.

THE SOOTHER (Ireland etc.)
It’s actually a good name for the object in question but there’s just one problem. Why is it that the country that uses this word is the one country that can’t pronounce it right? Yup, we do have a hard time getting a hang of the old “TH”. So this little article becomes “sooder” which sounds like something horrible that you’d buy in IKEA just so you can give it to your mother-in-law as a gift.